Yesterday I wrote about honesty, and how hard it can be to tell the truth. Today I want to flip it around and talk about the other side.

What do you do when someone else is the one who lied? Or left? Or hurt you in a way you still feel years later?

You forgive them. That's the answer most of us grew up hearing. It's also one of the hardest things God ever asks us to do.

Why is forgiveness so hard?

Forgiveness is hard because the hurt is real. Nobody has to forgive something that didn't cost them anything. Here's what usually stands in the way.

It feels like letting them off the hook. If I forgive them, doesn't that mean what they did was okay?
They never said sorry. It's hard to forgive someone who doesn't think they did anything wrong.
They keep doing it. Forgiving someone once is hard. Forgiving the same person over and over is harder.
The anger feels like protection. As long as I'm mad, I'm on guard. If I let it go, I might get hurt again.
They're gone. Some people we need to forgive aren't around anymore. You can't sit down and talk it out with someone who has moved on or passed away.
It's family. The deepest hurts usually come from the people who were supposed to take care of us.

If any of that sounds familiar, you're not a bad Christian. You're a person who got hurt.

What does the Bible say about forgiveness?

The Bible doesn't treat forgiveness like a suggestion. Jesus put it right in the middle of the prayer He taught His disciples, and then said this:

"For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." (Matthew 6:14–15)

That's a heavy verse. But it's not God holding forgiveness over our heads. It's a reminder of where our own forgiveness came from. Paul says it plainly:

"Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." (Ephesians 4:32)

We forgive because we've been forgiven. And God doesn't put a limit on it. When Peter asked if seven times was enough, Jesus answered:

"I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times." (Matthew 18:22)

In other words, stop counting.

The clearest picture of forgiveness in the whole Bible is the cross. While Jesus was being crucified, by people who weren't sorry at all, He prayed:

"Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." (Luke 23:34)

He didn't wait for an apology. He forgave first.

What forgiveness is, and what it isn't

A lot of people never forgive because they've been told forgiveness means something it doesn't. Here's the difference.

Forgiveness isn't:

Saying it was okay. It wasn't. Forgiveness only exists because something was wrong.
Forgetting. You'll probably remember it the rest of your life. That's not failing.
Trusting them again right away. Forgiveness is free. Trust is earned. You can forgive someone and still keep healthy boundaries.
Pretending you're not hurt. You can forgive and still be grieving what happened.
A feeling. Most of the time, the feeling comes way after the decision.

Forgiveness is:

Letting go of the debt. You stop waiting for them to pay you back for what they took.
Handing it to God. "Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, 'Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.'" (Romans 12:19) You're not saying justice doesn't matter. You're saying it's not your job anymore.
A choice you sometimes make more than once. Some days you'll have to forgive the same thing again. That's normal.

What unforgiveness does to us

Holding on to a grudge feels like it's hurting them. Most of the time, it's only hurting us.

The Bible calls it a root:

"See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no 'root of bitterness' springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled." (Hebrews 12:15)

Bitterness grows underground. It shows up in how we talk to our spouse, how patient we are with our kids, and how quick we are to assume the worst about people who had nothing to do with it. It spreads to everyone around us.

It can even affect our health. A 2012 study of more than 1,200 older Americans found that people whose forgiveness of others came with conditions had a higher risk of dying earlier, and their physical health seemed to be part of the reason why.

Unforgiveness keeps you tied to the person who hurt you. Forgiveness cuts the rope.

Joseph forgave his brothers

Joseph's story is one of the clearest pictures of forgiveness in the Bible. His own brothers threw him in a pit and sold him into slavery. Years later, when he had the power to pay them back for all of it, he chose something else:

"As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today." (Genesis 50:20)

Joseph didn't pretend his brothers did nothing wrong. He said it straight: you meant evil against me. But he also saw that God was bigger than what they did. That's what makes forgiveness possible. You don't have to shrink the hurt. You just have to see that God is bigger than it.

How to start forgiving someone who hurt you

If there's someone you need to forgive, here are a few places to start.

Be honest about what happened. Name it. You can't forgive something you won't admit hurt you.
Tell God how you really feel. The Psalms are full of people being angry, honest, and raw with God. He can handle it.
Decide to release the debt. Even if you don't feel it yet, choose to stop waiting for them to pay.
Pray for them. It's hard at first. It gets easier, and it changes you more than it changes them.
Set boundaries if you need to. Forgiving someone doesn't mean letting them keep hurting you.
Do it again when it comes back up. It probably will. Forgive again.
Remember what you've been forgiven of. "As far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us." (Psalm 103:12)

Where I write about forgiveness in Almost Understood

Forgiveness runs underneath most of my memoir, Almost Understood, even in chapters where the word never shows up.

My mom fought addiction for as long as I can remember. My dad's addictions sent him running out more than one front door. I lost both of them in less than two years.

In the chapter "Missed Calls," I write about standing in the back of the room at my dad's funeral, watching a video of him laughing on the floor with my daughter. The same man I'd spent half of the book running from. All I could think was, he got there. At the end, for a little while, he got there.

That chapter is honest about the other side too. In my family, a ringing phone usually meant somebody was gone or going. I learned young to let it ring, and I did it to my mom. Forgiveness isn't only something I've had to give. It's something I've needed.

So here's where I've landed. I forgive my parents. I forgive my wife all the time. I forgive everyone in my book. I just hope they forgive me.

If you've been hurt by the people who were supposed to love you most, or you're carrying something you wish you'd done differently, I wrote this book for you. You can preorder a signed copy or find it at your favorite bookstore on my books page. It releases January 12, 2027.